I stayed in several rooming houses and got to know some guys. On dull weekends, we’d sit around feeling sorry for ourselves. We made up this:

Condolences – you’ve been invited to our party

8:30 Uptight and melodramatic introductions

9:00 Phony conversation, gossip, tension, anxiety

10:00 Painful silences, resentment, withdrawal, passivity, defeatism

11:00 Deep melancholy, soft cello music

Quiet time for those who hate their jobs and themselves

12:00 Tragedy workshops:

          – How to grow old and peculiar gracefully

          – How to be used and abused discretely

          – Self-pity self-taught

          – Single neurosis and career psychosis

          – Why your shrink hates my shrink

1:00 Referrals to internet dates along the singles’ circuit

Take a break from your four-wall weekend for some class commiseration

          – Free sedatives

          – Quality rejections

          – New hang-ups to replace old ones

Bring a fellow toad